Thank you for putting a name to what I've been feeling (but didn't have a way to describe). One of my best friends has a habit of leaving me hanging for an answer after I invite her to do something with me. Recently I called her on it, and she apologized, and she was way more responsive the most recent time I invited her to something. Still, though, I plan things (with anyone) way less frequently than I used to.
"lead generation for new friends" Lady, you are speaking my language!!!
I care about my friends, but it's such an ebb and flow. Sometimes they stop texting, sometimes I lose a really great friend to a new job far away. I feel pressed to grow my friends systematically because I don't have as many natural friend-making avenues these days, especially with a fully remote job.
This sounds so familiar! I loved your spreadsheet reference. I also have the three strikes rule about people being late or cancelling at the last minute. I recently moved back to my home town after my husband passed away, so it's a very new landscape for me. Not just losing 'my person', but making new friends after having lived in my last town for 30+ years. I'm usually the one initiating things and it does get tiring so your suggestion to ask others to take a turn is a good one. Thank you for an honest, helpful piece.
Agree, Janis. This post describes something familiar to me, too. I value in-person and can be the one who is willing (84% of the time, even) to put in the effort to initiate a dinner or event. What has worked pretty well is getting the date for the next thing (e.g., a group dinner) on the calendar before we depart the current group dinner (or walk, pool meet-up, etc). Last year I did a subscription to a local theater company's season. I told everyone what seat I had on what night and about six of us had dates on the calendar for 4 plays over the season. This worked pretty well.
I relate to this so much! I've told my non-committal friends that "maybe" is considered a "no." and joining at the last minute is contingent on availability and sometimes it's not an option to be included at the 11th hour. Friendly boundaries so we stay friends.
I find planners and social coordinators commit more, maybe because we have a deeper understanding of how much effort and consideration goes into creating an experience. In this age of AI, this is our superpower and I think it shows a lot of emotional intelligence to be able to curate a room.
This is really good advice, thank you ❤️
Thank you for putting a name to what I've been feeling (but didn't have a way to describe). One of my best friends has a habit of leaving me hanging for an answer after I invite her to do something with me. Recently I called her on it, and she apologized, and she was way more responsive the most recent time I invited her to something. Still, though, I plan things (with anyone) way less frequently than I used to.
"lead generation for new friends" Lady, you are speaking my language!!!
I care about my friends, but it's such an ebb and flow. Sometimes they stop texting, sometimes I lose a really great friend to a new job far away. I feel pressed to grow my friends systematically because I don't have as many natural friend-making avenues these days, especially with a fully remote job.
This sounds so familiar! I loved your spreadsheet reference. I also have the three strikes rule about people being late or cancelling at the last minute. I recently moved back to my home town after my husband passed away, so it's a very new landscape for me. Not just losing 'my person', but making new friends after having lived in my last town for 30+ years. I'm usually the one initiating things and it does get tiring so your suggestion to ask others to take a turn is a good one. Thank you for an honest, helpful piece.
Agree, Janis. This post describes something familiar to me, too. I value in-person and can be the one who is willing (84% of the time, even) to put in the effort to initiate a dinner or event. What has worked pretty well is getting the date for the next thing (e.g., a group dinner) on the calendar before we depart the current group dinner (or walk, pool meet-up, etc). Last year I did a subscription to a local theater company's season. I told everyone what seat I had on what night and about six of us had dates on the calendar for 4 plays over the season. This worked pretty well.
I relate to this so much! I've told my non-committal friends that "maybe" is considered a "no." and joining at the last minute is contingent on availability and sometimes it's not an option to be included at the 11th hour. Friendly boundaries so we stay friends.
Being able to commit to something is a muscle that has atrophied in many people.
I find planners and social coordinators commit more, maybe because we have a deeper understanding of how much effort and consideration goes into creating an experience. In this age of AI, this is our superpower and I think it shows a lot of emotional intelligence to be able to curate a room.