Liking Someone is Not Enough

I recently had a good friend make an abrupt, erratic decision that ultimately hurt me and caused me a lot of stress. When she texted me the news of her decision, she said it was ultimately in the hands of the universe.

Say what?

Ahh, spiritual bypassing in all its glory.

Essentially, she made a decision to help herself, didn’t consider how it would negatively impact me, but now that she’s blown up a part of my life, it’s really the universe’s doing?

This incident has caused me to reflect on what it means to be a good friend, and how the mindset and behaviors required are a lot like what it takes to be a good romantic partner.

Someone can like you, but that does not automatically mean they will care about you. It’s easy to like someone. If they feel good in your presence, if you bring value to their life… they like you because you give them something. Whether that’s a fun time, a good feeling, or resources, their liking is about themselves.

Caring about someone, however, is not about how you make them feel or what you do for them. It’s about their sense of responsibility and commitment to a relationship, to be thoughtful and generous even in moments when it’s not pleasurable to do so.

It’s about taking care of the person you like (or love), which means you protect, nurture and support that person. This is the act of bonding, of building trust, of taking care, of seeing love as an action, not just vibes.

I think there are people who are good at liking. They are good at sparking connection with charisma, personality and charm. They’re good at opening the door. But they’re bad at walking through and staying. Sometimes it’s because they don’t have capacity. Sometimes it’s because they don’t have the skills. Sometimes it’s because they never saw it modeled, so they don’t even know how to take care of something.

Whatever the cause, the outcome is the same: surface-level relationships, connections that break before they can bond.

I pride myself on being a great friend. I see this as an active process. I am mindful of who I let into my inner circle, and once I’ve let someone in, I take that responsibility seriously. I celebrate them, I help, I offer resources and connections, I make sure I add to their life. This is not by accident. This is done with intention… and care.

My friend ended up apologizing after I called her out on her behavior. She expressed remorse and recognized how she should have done things differently. What happened next had nothing to do with the universe. She took proactive steps to repair, and that, was a step of accountability and rebuilding trust.

I’m also learning that if I am to be a good friend, it also means to allow room for error and mistakes. And that sometimes the repair tells you more than the mistake.

Take care of your people. Remember that liking someone is not enough. Vibes will come and go, and feelings alone cannot be the glue that keeps a relationship together.